Sunday Scaries - December First

Things I’m excited about this week:

• Solo road trips - I love listening to podcasts and books and my car is a dream for road trips. (The seats could be a little comfier, but overall a dream) I’m pumped to listen to a new book in the 20+ hours of driving I have this week! I’ll have my snacks, my tunes and entertainment, and plenty of new roads to see!

• Mammoth Caves National Park - This one time in 2021, I got an email from Mammoth Caves and Allegiant airlines because some other Michael Nowak entered his info incorrectly. He was going to Mammoth Caves. Now, I’m going there. Cool story, I know. I’m excited to go do the tour, because I don’t think I’ve explored any bit of Kentucky since I was a kid.

• Having lunch with Megan - I’m going to be passing within an hour or so of my chosen little sister and we just have meet for lunch! We’ve picked out a place, and if time allows, it’s going to happen. Being within 6-8 hours of her will be much better than a whole country.

• Seeing my friends - Spending a long weekend in Nashville with my friends will be a hoot! Turning 40 means I’m looking forward to lots of snacks, board games, and some going-out but too much.

• Exploring Nashville - I’ve only ever passed through on the freeway or been to the airport. I’m excited to go see all the music related sights, look at rich people’s holiday lights, and hopefully find some cute local businesses (breweries, distilleries, coffee shops, stationary places, etc.) to support.

• Jell-O shots - I may be turning 40, but I’m still making Jell-O shots for the occasion. Not to toot my own horn, but toot-toot bitch. My best friend and I used to make them in college and we were pioneers in flavors and alcohol levels people actually wanted. Sure, they were not made with bottom barrel vodka that was a high proof, but they tasted good and were a good accent to other things.

Welcome to December, the best month of the year. More on that, to come. What are some things you’re looking forward to this week?

This was after seeing White Christmas in Georgetown, TX back in 2018 on December 1st.

This was December 1st back in 2016 when I went back to Michigan and it snowed!

Tuesday Truths - Holiday Edition

Here are my hot takes on US holidays that no one asked for including my ranking:

1. Christmas/Winter Solstice

2. New Years

3. My Birthday

4. Halloween

5. Thanksgiving

6. Labor Day

7. Memorial Day

8. Independence Day

• Thought I’m not a religious person, I love Christmas and I think many others do too because of the light and sparkle so maybe I really just like Winter Solstice? I think Xmas took all of the things about a Winter Solstice celebration anyway, so they go hand-in-hand.

• Halloween/fall in general is nice because of the spooky factor, cooler weather, decor, and traditions. We love a reason to celebrate the onset of cooler weather and to tell scary stories around a campfire.

• Thanksgiving ranks a little lower only because I think we should do this quarterly and not once a year and only for the food/friends/family, not the whole pilgrim thing. I should start implementing a quarterly Friendsgiving. I’m grateful all year.

• My Birthday is actually more important than all summer buillshit holidays because summer holidays are not real. Celebrate accordingly.

• Summer is either hell (in Texas, etc) or should be celebrated with gusto every day a person has off (places with nice summers).

• I actually think the birthdays of friends and fall equinox are far more important than any bullshit summer holiday.

• I didn’t include Easter because I don’t think it’s a paid holiday at work and I don’t celebrate it other than eating clearance candy (which I can do all year).

• Fourth of July is the worst because of amateur fireworks and arrogant people who think they’re good at amateur fireworks. Between the jump factor and obnoxious smells alone, I’m over it two days before it even happens. Don’t even get me started on fireworks and forest fires… *head desk*

• Memorial and Labor Days are fine, yay for a corporate day off, but why not just have 4-day work weeks all year instead of trying to recreate at the local lake with everyone and their brother one long weekend at a time?

• I’ve worked for companies that have given me MLK Day, Presidents Day, Good Friday, and the days after T-giving/Xmas off. I have no real opinion on these days.

• Federal holidays are weird in general because we’re not supposed to be a Christian nation yet our recognized days are mostly Christian in nature. As a godless heathen, I don’t really care why we get days off, as long as I can enjoy them.

Tuesday Truths

Here are some more of my “truths” or opinions or whatever you want to call them. You didn’t ask for them, but I’m providing them anyway.

• Being cold is better than being hot. Always. I’d rather have to add layers than be miserable and sweaty.

• Freshly ground coffee is better than any other form of coffee.

• I love the sound of a vinyl being played, but the whole concept is just pretentious and snobby now.

• Mornings along a river in Montana are superior.

• Earl Grey is the superior caffeinated tea.

• iPhones are no longer innovative and are now just a money grab. (and that’s coming from ME “mr. new phone every year”)

• Being overly cautious seems as dangerous as not being overly cautious - you just have more anxiety.

• Children do not belong at breweries, distilleries, or bars. I was raised in a bar, I would know.

• The outdoor places are overrun by snobby assholes who can’t say “on your left” when biking past you. Prove me wrong, I dare you!

Thursday Thoughts

Feeling small under giant trees in the Hoh Rainforest - Olympic National Park

This week I was feeling small, but not in a bad way, and thinking about my existence in this world. I was feeling so small because I thought of myself, in my tiny apartment, in a single building, on a city block, on the city layout, and eventually zoomed out like I was looking down into my living room window from space. It is a feeling that washes over me on occasion, but more so lately since the world is so weird.

I usually get the “small” feeling when I’m standing beneath some trees - especially redwoods. When I’m on the shores of the Great Lakes or the Pacific Ocean, I also feel small and insignificant. I love the feeling - it grounds me. When people say water grounds them, this is what I assume they mean.

I think it’s important to find the “thing” that makes you feel this way. I like to use these moments to contemplate everything in life from my purpose to how everything interacts out there. My thoughts drift through all the beautiful places I’ve seen and the ones I have yet to see.

Big trees, big lakes, oceans, sand dunes… They keep putting me in place and bringing me back to reality while simultaneously fueling my hopes and dreams. What is something like this that keeps you going?

Me feeling small at Delicate Arch - Arches National Park - Moab, UT

Feeling small standing alongside Lake Superior - Duluth, MN

Tuesday Truth

I was falling victim to other people’s bullshit. I found myself getting cranky, anxious, and kind of sad because the people I was interacting with in that moment were all of those things. I had to fight my way out of those feelings and make a conscious effort to put myself in a better place. It is not their fault, and I love to be an ear and help friends get through moments or periods of time like this. I also know that I have my moments, and they will be inevitable.

I started thinking what kind of energy I’m putting out there. What was I conveying on socials? What was I conveying in texts and phone calls? How was I coming off? Not that I’m concerned what people think of me, per se, but I was concerned what I was putting out in the world. Was I being unnecessarily argumentative? Was I being negative for no good reason? Was it more than just complaining or having a moment? The answer was kind of a yes.

I want people to feel good and calm during and after interacting with me. I want to put good energy out there and brighten the days of people around me. I took this moment as a little rest stop in life to check myself. I will always be real, but I want to make sure I’m not just layering my shit on everyone else. It’s about a balance, and I want to be more conscious of that balance.

I hope you have a great week. If you need me, you know where to find me.

In a moment of pure joy, along the Oregon coast in the rain

Thursday Thoughts - Doing Nothing

I always have these talks with my buddy John about doing nothing and what that means. To him, it means doing actually nothing. To me, it is a bit more complicated. I can do nothing if it’s not planned, but if I plan it, I’ll always fail.

“Doing Nothing” to me is really what a low-impact “something” activity is to others. Examples include: watching TV with friends, going for a walk, or FaceTime with friends. “Doing Nothing” can also mean, to me anyway, doing things by myself without anyone else weighing in or adding expectations. Some examples include a long drive with my phone on “do not disturb” or going for a walk in the woods with no goals or itinerary.

I don’t do well with actually doing NOTHING. I certainly do not plan to do nothing, but I will let it just happen. There are days I’m a total lump and watch movies and ignore my phone. Other days, my nothing will include some Taco Bell and a day trek without expectations or showering.

I love to fill my time and I don’t really know how to stop sometimes. I want to see all the things, try all the foods/beverages, and see all the people. This desire to go will catch me, occasionally, and then I’ll be overwhelmed or down for the count. I’m never down for long, but when I am, it’s usually being sick or run down from not sleeping enough. Balance is something I’m trying to learn, I swear.

I have lived alone, again, for a year now. In that year, I spent many evenings doing nothing but watching TV by myself. I don’t love that for me, but I surely didn’t hate it in the moment. I aspire to do more, be more, and enjoy life a bit more but I’m learning those nights are important. Sitting with your thoughts, processing them alone, and moving through them can require some true “do-nothing” plans.

However you classify “nothing” to you is your business, but you should tell me about it because I’m a nosy fucker. Happy almost weekend and enjoy your relaxing plans.

#MondayMotivation - Fear is an illusion

Experiences in our lives shape who we are, or who we become. Some of these experiences lead us to create a mask or facade. If you’re constantly questioning life due to some circumstances that made it feel normal, you may take that mindset into new experiences unknowingly. This could be jobs, relationships, friendships, etc. The fear that creates the facade is an illusion and doesn’t have to be permanent.

I fear rejection because I’ve been rejected. Does that mean I will stop trying? Does it mean I wont apply for that job or go on that date? Absolutely not.

I fear being thought of as being “too much” because I’ve been called “too much” before. Does that mean I need to apologize for being who I am or adding a disclaimer to my feelings? It shouldn’t, but I have. I’m learning that I’m not “too much” and my thoughts, feelings, and ideas are valid.

I’ve spent the past few months coming back to myself, losing the fear of being too much, not enough, or the fear of losing something that really wasn’t meant to be mine anyway. I had a conversation this weekend that helped spark this whole idea that the true me is still there, behind some fear. Allowing life to happen and working to make good things part of that new path is pushing through the fears.

I’m confident, outgoing, fun, friendly, dramatic, kind, and generous. I’m all of those things. It’s enough and never truly too much. Remembering me, adapting to life in current, and continuing to grow is pushing fear out of the way and thriving instead of surviving.

I hope you find ways to thrive this week. Doing the best you can is thriving, not just surviving.

#MondayMotivation - Going Back In Time

Ever have a moment or period in time you wish you could erase? Oh, how I wish I could go back and do a few things over and avoid a few other things.  But, here I am, unable to time travel more than a few hours.

Since I can’t go back, I am just moving forward.  The trend for a few of these Monday motivations have been a forward movement, as it’s all I can do.

The world is bigger than a moment or period of time.  The universe is infinite and I’m just one speck. I recently stared through a telescope on Oahu and it made me feel small and insignificant in the best way.  Nothing mattered, in a good way, and these stars burned light years away.  As much as I’d like to go back and redo something, the fact is that it doesn’t matter that much as life goes on.  New stars form, and we continue to spin madly on in the vastness and wonder that is existence.

This may seem a bit existential, but I’m only writing this to convince myself to abide by this mindset. I can keep trying, I can change my trajectory, and so can you if you want.

Tuesday Truths (Thoughts?)

On Tuesdays, I’m going to probably overshare a little more about me. Some of this may be common knowledge, but to those who are new, hello and welcome to the shit show. Also, gratuitous photos of myself at the end because I can. This is quickly devolving into just Tuesday Thoughts and I’m not mad at that.

• I can be an out and proud gay man without attending certain gay events. Full stop.

• Concerts in bars, small venues, or outside venues are my favorite kind of concerts to attend. I’ll go to a stadium show, but smaller venues are way better in my opinion.

• Beyonce is talented, but I don’t gravitate towards her music like I do other big voices like Kelly Clarkson or Kylie Minogue.

• I must live close to water. New Mexico was kind of rough, but there was a man made lake I guess.

• The older I get, the less I like grapes unless they’re wine. I always buy them with good intentions, but ya know…

• I’m more likely to save for and invest in something of higher quality (such as a certain laptop or article of clothing or boots) instead of replacing them more frequently.

• Vegas is only fun for about 3 days

• Standard bathtubs are shit. Give me a shower stall any day of the week. (a shower stall and giant tub would be ideal, but I ain’t rich)

**This was not a lake, but it was pretty cool

Finding A Way

If I could find a way

To fix all of the mistakes I’ve made

To redirect my life

To feel alive again

To pay off the debts I owe

To learn the things I want to know

To love me even more

I would.

If I could find a way, I’d be less of a zombie

If I could find the strength, I’d be more alive

If I could find a way, I’d be more me.

But I haven’t found a way

And I can’t figure it out

And I feel helpless, hopeless, and completely lost

And I’m not ready for life to suck so it can be better

I’m not ready to be stuck at home

Or without freedom

Because work already does that for 9 hours a day or more

And I need to escape

And I want to show him the world

And I want to see the world too.

I wish I could find the strength

I wish I could find my motivation

I wish I wasn’t so bad at life

I wish I wasn’t so self-destructive

I wish I wish I wish.

If I liked my job

I’d be okay not needing escape

And If I liked my work

I’d like my job

If I had accepted that job for less money

Would I be happier?

Would I be on a career path I’m proud of?

What if?

No one ever really knows.

Tuesday Thoughts

I’ve been in a funk. Not a “hide in a dark room” kind of funk, but in one nonetheless. I’ve been buying useless shit to feel joy instead of doing things to bring me joy. I’ve been avoiding the outdoors and finding any excuse to stay in bed all morning instead of soaking up the good weather. I recently suffered from a stomach bug, which brought all of this up to the surface.

I had to spend 3-4 days in bed and resting to realize things aren’t great in my head.  I’ve had no urge to do anything, haven’t felt good about my body, and certainly haven’t felt productive. My weekly blogs have suffered, but I’ve lacked creativity anyway. I feel this year has been a series of these bad spells, worse than many of the years before. Thinking back, it’s pronab much like 2005 which was easily one of the worst years on memory. When I think about, 2014 wasn’t great either because years like 2006 and 2015 exist where I look back and seem like I was living out of body and out of sorts. It was kind of a depression hangover fueled by selfishness and crazy decisions about life. So many parallels between those years. I am much more level headed these days, so hopefully the rebound is more level also. I’m hopeful I’ll rebound into nature and good choices again.

I am working on a plan to “get to my happy place” over the next few days. I need to exercise, for both physical and mental health. I need to eat a little better, so my clothes fit again. I need to stop spending and work out a strict budget. I need to figure out 2019 and what we have to save and prioritize for thought the year. I have a lot to figure out, but I know building a routine will help my brain and I look forward to regular, thoughtful posts. 

#MondayMotivation - Journal Time!

In trying to write my big four part series of the road trips that started it all, I've been finding more and more little journals all over the place.  I have some devoted to travel, one for thoughts, a few with scribbles that aren't important, and a few more that are just empty.  Reading through has been helpful, insightful, and of course reflective.

Travel

I have three travel journals, I think there's one more somewhere though, because I tend to forget them when I actually travel.  The original, started in 2008, documents the second, third, and fourth spring break trips, a trip to Minnesota and Michigan, and a few nights I was in West Texas for work.  A second journal, bought in Alaska, has details from my 2017 trip to Alaska, a camping trip to New Mexico, the drive home from Portland, and my 2017 BFF trip last year to Utah.  I have a THIRD journal is specific to my recent trip to the Olympic Peninsula earlier this year, and only has one or two pages of writing.  I'm debating how to go forward with these journals.  Obviously, step one, is to be more mindful about bringing a journal along and restricting myself from buying a new one.  Step two is to remember to record things that pop into my head - either as a voice note or in the designated journal.  Step three, probably the most important, is to slow down and take everything in.  You can be efficient while enjoying everything and remembering it.

The original travel journal has a lot of funny quotes, phrases I can't quite understand, and writing from everyone on the trip.  It is a special piece of the past and I honestly think I didn't really continue writing in it because trips like those didn't happen anymore.  Making peace with the way things used to be and moving forward is what I'm doing and I'll continue to fill it in for years to come.

Thoughts

My thoughts journal is my most personal.  It contains those thoughts you can't say aloud or to anyone else, but need to put them somewhere other than your head.  This particular thought journal started in 2015 and has a few gaps in there, but has something from every year.  When something is just too big, good or bad, I write it down.  By writing it down, I'm breaking it apart and finding whatever it wholly is, it's just pieces put together.

The Motivation Part (or whatever)

I don't know how inspirational or motivating this post is, but it's just a way for me to highlight that writing or recording thoughts can be a helpful exercise in maintaining some clarity.  If I didn't have the website, these journals, or my phone (for recording thoughts while driving), I'd probably be even more anxious and scatterbrained.  I encourage anyone to scribble for a bit and see what it does for you.  Maybe writing it all out will help organize your thoughts, or maybe it will do nothing for you.  Either way, it's worth a shot.

#MondayMotivation - Help your fellow trees!

One of my favorite things to see in the forest is new trees, ferns, or mosses growing from logs or stumps.  Trees never die, they just help each other out in the circle of life.  Queue the song from the Lion King.  But, seriously, if we took a lesson from this and offered to help one another a bit more, we would probably achieve a better balance.  Think about it.  Help someone!  Maybe you're just a sounding board for someone - you could be the stump, and their idea could be the new tree.  Maybe you need a log or stump to help you grow?  Who knows?  Take a moment to think about it, if it makes any sense at all.... enjoy these photos of trees or plants growing out of other trees or plants.

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All of the organisms in an ecosystem work together, and I think we need to rethink our human ecosystem sometimes and see how we can exist more like the plants in these photos.