Dropping the Bullsh*t

First, I’m writing this for myself. If you don’t want this kind of content, don’t read it. Second, I’m writing this to have some sort of reference point that is not my personal journal since I have several journals floating around because I’m bad at being consistent. Third, I’m fine and will be fine. Life is truly good, even if it’s got some little spots that really fucking suck.

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I’ve been trying to figure out what’s good and what’s not for me in my life. I’d spent years tracking my exercise and steps as well as sleep. I love data, in theory. I love data when I’m doing regular exercise and getting regular sleep. I don’t like looking through the data when I’m sleeping 2-3 hours per night or being so overwhelmed mentally I’m too tired to do anything in the form of even a long walk.

I’ve tried to track daily things since February, and have had a bad record of doing so. I’ve recently updated my info and it’s just very bleak compared to years past. I feel it in my body, I feel it in my brain. I’m foggy. I’m slow. I’m a little more plump than usual. I’m just not feeling very myself. My body is over it and so is my brain. My brain, though, is a little asshole too. It’s not as though I don’t want to go for a walk, run, bike ride, or hike, it’s my brain being like “just lay on the couch and eat ice cream” so it all snowballs out of control.

I’m making myself go to the trails this weekend. I want to get some fresh air, challenge myself a bit, and get my dog out and acclimated to hiking again. I want to pick up the trash along the way and fulfill my duty as a Groundskeeper for 2021. I want to be outdoors with people I enjoy in a place away from the office hell of home or work.

I feel myself coming out of whatever it was holding me back. I feel a little more fresh, but still a little foggy. I’m trying, and pushing myself. I’m journaling my thoughts and feelings. I’m taking note of my moods, my foods, my drinks, and my time.

Things I have not given up on (maybe the only things truly getting me through)

• Looking for the moon each morning

• Getting lost in a sunrise

• Watching the sun set over the horizon

• Going out to see the stars (and moon) on the last dog walk of the night (they’re much more clear here in New Mexico)

• Sleeping - it’s not always great, but it always happens eventually.

Things I will try harder to do, despite any of the bullshit in my brain

• Take that dog for his 4 mile daily walk

• Restart Couch 2 10K YET AGAIN

• Get over to the apartment gym for some rotations

• Make better food choices at home

• Drink less alcohol (hasn’t been a problem, but certainly not always the best choice)

• Hike every weekend again

• Maybe bike to the office in my new small town

Here’s to a better March and a better outlook for 2021. Here’s to getting back to a routine, back in my groove, and back to reality. Here’s to balancing work and life and having some weekend adventure. If you need me, reach out - no matter my state I’m always here.

Tuesday Thoughts

I’ve been in a funk. Not a “hide in a dark room” kind of funk, but in one nonetheless. I’ve been buying useless shit to feel joy instead of doing things to bring me joy. I’ve been avoiding the outdoors and finding any excuse to stay in bed all morning instead of soaking up the good weather. I recently suffered from a stomach bug, which brought all of this up to the surface.

I had to spend 3-4 days in bed and resting to realize things aren’t great in my head.  I’ve had no urge to do anything, haven’t felt good about my body, and certainly haven’t felt productive. My weekly blogs have suffered, but I’ve lacked creativity anyway. I feel this year has been a series of these bad spells, worse than many of the years before. Thinking back, it’s pronab much like 2005 which was easily one of the worst years on memory. When I think about, 2014 wasn’t great either because years like 2006 and 2015 exist where I look back and seem like I was living out of body and out of sorts. It was kind of a depression hangover fueled by selfishness and crazy decisions about life. So many parallels between those years. I am much more level headed these days, so hopefully the rebound is more level also. I’m hopeful I’ll rebound into nature and good choices again.

I am working on a plan to “get to my happy place” over the next few days. I need to exercise, for both physical and mental health. I need to eat a little better, so my clothes fit again. I need to stop spending and work out a strict budget. I need to figure out 2019 and what we have to save and prioritize for thought the year. I have a lot to figure out, but I know building a routine will help my brain and I look forward to regular, thoughtful posts. 

#MondayMotivation - Slacker Edition

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Self-inflicted bullshit is the easiest to create and hardest to destroy.

I've been slacking.  I've been kind of out of control with certain aspects in my life and it's taking a toll on me.  Yesterday, I started to clean and organize the apartment and that brought some clarity to my brain.  It's time to take control and stop living in a free fall.  I need routines and structures and it will take a little while to build them up, but I'm working towards it as an overall goal.

Back to my hiking routines, cleaning routines, morning routines, and cooking routines.  I've been avoiding cooking, leaving laundry all over, not cleaning up after the cooking I do, and generally being a slob-lazy-bum.  It's easy for me to blame this on whatever, but really it's only I who can snap the hell out of it a get into a better head space.  I'm working to find the positives, find the organization, and crawl back up to a normal existence.

It's been a weird few months with the death of my grandfather, the onset of hot weather, the general boredom of local trails, too much alcohol, too much fast food, and the general dislike I've been feeling towards my body.  I'm certainly past due to get my shit together and get to hiking regularly, living within my means, smiling more often, eating food for fuel, and sleeping well again.