Stay-At-Home, Week Whatever Check-In

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like doing any sort of update. My creativity was stifled - which is fine, I had plenty of work to do and TV to watch. The pandemic rages on with state beginning the process of reopening businesses beyond essentials. Reopening is causing plenty of mixed emotions and reactions - everyone’s got an opinion. I’m not sure where I fall on all of this, I am no healthcare expert and certainly don’t know shit about diseases. I’m grateful for everyone who has worked through this and don’t know how we’d function as a world without them. I’m sad that our government didn’t step in with instant benefits and relief for everyone. I know it was probably overwhelming, but people don’t have the luxury of waiting as businesses remain closed. It’s a terrible mess and it’s going to take years to dig out of it, but we will eventually find a new normal and hopefully we have learned a little about how our economy does not favor the working classes.

In lighter news…

I cut my hair this month, but who really cares? I DO. It feels so much better.

I bought a bike, but haven’t really taken many rides yet. The weight limit, which wasn’t clear on the Dick’s Sporting goods website, is a little lower than I am currently and I’m afraid of breaking the damn thing. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Part of me wishes I had bought a cheap mountain bike instead of the “hybrid” model so I could take it on the trails at the state park - not the hardcore ones, just a path around a lake that was pretty mild. We’ll see, maybe I’ll just try it and hope for the best?

Chewy the dog is the cutest, fight me. Our cat is very need and the cuddles are okay by me. The pets make staying home a lot a little better. The dog is getting a bit tired of walking four miles every day, and it shows. I don’t even know if we have a fish anymore, I just know there’s a fish tank and when it gets low Eric adds water and treatment. I probably need to go say hello, if there is a fish.

I’ve got baby tomatoes and plenty of fresh basil, mint, and oregano. Fuck yeah!

I updated our little board (see photo) with a Step Brothers quote because it felt appropriate.

We made naan style bread, homemade pancakes, blackberry cobbler, bread, broiler s’mores, and some applesauce. I think we made crepes too, with a friend on zoom, but I don’t know when that was now. The days all flow together. I am maintaining weight and not rapidly losing because of this whole “try new cooking and baking” bullshit. My self-control was always weak, and now it’s pretty much fucked.

I infused my tequila with jalapenos and it was pretty much the best thing. The tequila wasn’t spicy, it just had a peppery essence. Very good in a homemade margarita. I also juiced every last one of the citrus fruits in the house because they weren’t getting used fast enough. Had pints of various juices and it was nice.

My privileged ass went hiking at three different state parks this month so far, with plans for four more this coming weekend. I’m so thankful our state parks have opened for reduced capacity, reservation only day passes and camping. Truly lucky as hell right here.

State Park Quest Update | 52 Hike Challenge Update

My mental health took a hit this month, as it often does, but that sparked some creativity so I guess silver linings? I am kind of living in trip planning, adventure idea planning, and revisiting old photos. I had several fun happy hours with friends, and even went out to eat. Felt very safe.

I’m on a boat…

Memorial Weekend involved a pontoon, a storm, and me repeating “there’s nothing on the radar” at least ten times. I drank Corona Seltzers, which were pretty damn good in the realm of boozy water, and enjoyed the sunshine for about 30 minutes. We were cruising along and the weather took a turn. There was (say it with me) nothing on the radar indicating a storm, but our eyes told our brain the radar was a lying bitch. We hauled ass towards the house through some of the strongest wind and waves I’ve ever expereinced. We found a cove, with less wind, to bring down the sun shades because they were started to come apart. Everything happened so quickly! I’ve included some “on our way out” and “when we returned” photos below. Crazy stuff. Lightning, wind, and rain oh my.

It is time to be hopeful for the future, right? Hope for a solution to the virus. Hope we can open things up safely. Hope people can forgo evictions and collections. Hope we can get back to some kind of new normal where we truly take care of our most vulnerable and hardest working people.

How are you hold up? Send me a note, leave a comment… Hang in there!

Finding A Way

If I could find a way

To fix all of the mistakes I’ve made

To redirect my life

To feel alive again

To pay off the debts I owe

To learn the things I want to know

To love me even more

I would.

If I could find a way, I’d be less of a zombie

If I could find the strength, I’d be more alive

If I could find a way, I’d be more me.

But I haven’t found a way

And I can’t figure it out

And I feel helpless, hopeless, and completely lost

And I’m not ready for life to suck so it can be better

I’m not ready to be stuck at home

Or without freedom

Because work already does that for 9 hours a day or more

And I need to escape

And I want to show him the world

And I want to see the world too.

I wish I could find the strength

I wish I could find my motivation

I wish I wasn’t so bad at life

I wish I wasn’t so self-destructive

I wish I wish I wish.

If I liked my job

I’d be okay not needing escape

And If I liked my work

I’d like my job

If I had accepted that job for less money

Would I be happier?

Would I be on a career path I’m proud of?

What if?

No one ever really knows.

My Hiatus from Texas

On June 14 I started my drive to Michigan after work and a nap. I had the opportunity to work remotely, from my family’s house, way up north. The whole experience was set up so I could visit my grandmother and other family as much as possible for two weeks during a pleasant time of year in Michigan.

As the two week window came to a close, I learned that working remotely is quite possibly the best thing ever. I managed to stay busy and spend so much time with my family all in the same day, what a dream. I was able to exercise before and after work daily, kayak often, have lunch with best friends, and take long walks on the weekends. It is safe to say that I am not enjoying my home atmosphere nearly as much as the Michigan one. I am back to the grind - commuting, avoiding the outdoors due to heat and concrete, and wishing I was somewhere cooler.

Currently, it is a “real feel” temperature near 100 and too hot to ethically walk my dog on the expansive concrete around us. I’m looking through the photos from my time up north and thought I’d share some highlights to keep the spirit alive. I’ll be back for a visit, Michigan, sometime this year again.

Some sunrises…

And, some sunsets…

But, also, these…

Tuesday Thoughts

I’ve been in a funk. Not a “hide in a dark room” kind of funk, but in one nonetheless. I’ve been buying useless shit to feel joy instead of doing things to bring me joy. I’ve been avoiding the outdoors and finding any excuse to stay in bed all morning instead of soaking up the good weather. I recently suffered from a stomach bug, which brought all of this up to the surface.

I had to spend 3-4 days in bed and resting to realize things aren’t great in my head.  I’ve had no urge to do anything, haven’t felt good about my body, and certainly haven’t felt productive. My weekly blogs have suffered, but I’ve lacked creativity anyway. I feel this year has been a series of these bad spells, worse than many of the years before. Thinking back, it’s pronab much like 2005 which was easily one of the worst years on memory. When I think about, 2014 wasn’t great either because years like 2006 and 2015 exist where I look back and seem like I was living out of body and out of sorts. It was kind of a depression hangover fueled by selfishness and crazy decisions about life. So many parallels between those years. I am much more level headed these days, so hopefully the rebound is more level also. I’m hopeful I’ll rebound into nature and good choices again.

I am working on a plan to “get to my happy place” over the next few days. I need to exercise, for both physical and mental health. I need to eat a little better, so my clothes fit again. I need to stop spending and work out a strict budget. I need to figure out 2019 and what we have to save and prioritize for thought the year. I have a lot to figure out, but I know building a routine will help my brain and I look forward to regular, thoughtful posts. 

Who cares what might have been?

I try not to dwell on what might have been had I done something differently in my life. BUT, there is one decision I wonder about and it takes over my brain from time to time. If I had taken the city planning/code enforcement job with the City of Westworth Village (on the west side of Fort Worth) instead of the control room operator job at Quicksilver Resources, where would I be? Quicksilver paid better, a ton better, and it was an obvious choice from a financial standpoint. I was just starting to come out of my dark hole of financial depression - I had been paying my bills in full, and on time, for the first time in MONTHS. I was starting to know what it felt like to be an adult, despite having to borrow my aunt’s car to go to the job interview because mine didn’t have air conditioning. I felt Quicksilver was the responsible choice, and I don’t think I was wrong about that, in the end.

I accepted a job, in the oil & gas industry, and essentially felt I had backed myself into a corner career wise. There are a lot of energy jobs in Texas and nationwide, but I wasn’t learning skills that would make me valuable to many companies. I sat in a control room, a data center with 12 screens, and monitored natural gas production for three years. I finally found a way out and ended up in the environmental department to learn new skills. I started to learn about environmental remediation, permitting, and plenty of other marketable skills but was laid off within about 15 months because the company had failed and filed bankruptcy. I ended up back in a control center, for another failing company, as a contract employee on a non-permanent basis. I jumped at my current role, another environmental job, but have been there for two years and haven’t had many opportunities to learn new things or see any room for advancement. I don’t hate the work, but I don’t love it either. It’s pretty normal, from the sounds of it to feel that way about work. Who knows?

I wonder what I could be doing if I had accepted the planning job, for less money. Would I be happier, more fulfilled? Would I have a solid foundation for a career in city planning? Would I be struggling with my bills the same way I am now, or worse?

Things that wouldn’t have gone away: my habits. I have bad habits when it comes to spending and saving. I don’t think any amount of money, short of six figures, would solve that problem. I feel if I had taken the road through city planning, I’d be below my current and previous pay grades, which were higher, but maybe I’d feel more challenged and have more room for growth? I don’t know, like I said, I try not to waste too much time on the whole concept.

I do know one thing going forward, I’m not going to solely follow the money - unless it’s a LOT of money. I’d like to learn new skills, get into a career that offers room to grow and challenges me along the way. I’d love to work with a city, county, or state government. Only time will tell what happens with my current job, but I know if I don’t make the positive changes it’s going to continue to just be okay enough to stay.

Instead of going over the scenarios and wondering how my life could have been different, I will focus on the HERE AND NOW. I will try to find ways to improve my current life, career path, and mindset. Instead of wasting brain power on the “what if” thoughts, I’m going to harness it into “if this, than that.” I’m not always successful at getting out of my own head, especially when I’m having a bad day, but I have worked hard to be mindful about this topic and I plan to work hard to carve the path I want instead of what I “backed myself into” or “what the industry says I should do.”