Thursday Thoughts - I'm Moving On

I started to write this post many times and my feelings vacillated between teary eyed and completely pumped. I have such mixed and complicated feelings around the topic of home, so it’s not surprising to have all of these emotions. “Home is where your rump rests” —Pumbaa

I’m trying to tell myself this wasn’t a waste of money, because it took a lot of money to be here. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to not want something you thought you wanted for over 15 years. I don’t know where I’d be if I had been able to stay in Olympia longer, but that didn’t happen and this is the way the cookie has crumbled. Life kept going, no matter the circumstances, and it’s led me to this moment.

Me in front of the glorious Mt. Rainier

I tried new things. I tried to love Portland and the people of Portland. I tried new versions of myself. I tried alternate timelines and wild-to-me things. I tried. All of the trying made me feel weird and invalid. All of these mishaps brought me back to who I am - the outdoorsy, generally unaware, golden retriever that I am. I have no regrets because I tried things I knew I would have never tried before. I have no regrets because I learned from every experience and relationship I’ve had while being in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve made some genuinely wonderful friends and I’m glad to have them yet sad to leave them.

“I’m not sure my brand of outdoorsy is right for the area” is a thought I’ve had many times living here. I’m not super ambitious these days - more of a lazy outdoors person. I saw myself going out every weekend and exploring as often as possible. Well, reality always hits and it’s not always that simple. Depression, anxiety, burnout, time, costs, friends, other plans, crowds, and distance have all been factors in my lack of doing certain things I thought I wanted. I could sit here and make the excuses, but I’ll just admit that it wasn’t as easy as I thought to just go somewhere and do the damn thing.

I’ve wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest since 2008 when I first visited with my pals on our second big spring break road trip. I’ve wanted to live in Portland since 2013, and seriously considered it in 2014. I applied for jobs all over Oregon from 2009 onward and had several interviews, but nothing ever worked out. When I moved in to my apartment in January, in the middle of a blizzard (I’ve done that before, btw), I thought it was great. As I settled in, and the temperatures warmed, I noticed things that started to slowly drive me batshit crazy and I couldn’t wait to finish my lease and get out to the suburbs or rural area. The city is really not for me, and I learned that lesson living in a super busy area with thousands of people concentrated around me. I don’t like driving, parking, or dodging people with crazy dogs. I don’t like hearing my dumpster being emptied at 3:00 AM. I don’t enjoy not having an outdoor space of my own or paying an exorbitant amount for parking.

As the year crept forward and my general disdain for the city grew, I also realized I wasn’t saving as much or paying debt off fast enough and I needed a change. I started with a plan to move to Vancouver, WA with a roommate to save more money and have more space. That plan seemed perfect, until I realized I still wouldn’t be saving enough. After a chat with my dear friends, I made a new plan to move to Michigan to stay with them and get life back on track to where I thought I needed to be. As it turned out, life had other plans for me. I was contacted about a job in Ohio doing something that intrigued me, so I applied and interviewed. Fast forward a few weeks to accepting the job and packing my life for a move back to the Midwest in a different way than I had originally planned. I’m excited to be closer to my people, near the Great Lakes, and to be in an area that is a little more quiet and rural. I will genuinely miss those who made Portland and the Pacific Northwest feel like home to me.

I have no idea what Ohio will bring for me, but I do know I’m ready to start the journey and see what happens. I will always visit the PNW, as I have for all the years before but now I’ll have people to see and stay with when I visit. I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue this life and try something new. If you’re in the Midwest and want to get outside or hangout, you know how to reach me! Happy trails.

I haven't been to Ohio since 2007? 2008? This photo is from 2006 or 2007 on an adventure to Cedar Point in Sandusky.

I'll miss the PNW but I think it'll be fine without me. (Olympia, WA 2023)

#MondayMotivation - Going Back In Time

Ever have a moment or period in time you wish you could erase? Oh, how I wish I could go back and do a few things over and avoid a few other things.  But, here I am, unable to time travel more than a few hours.

Since I can’t go back, I am just moving forward.  The trend for a few of these Monday motivations have been a forward movement, as it’s all I can do.

The world is bigger than a moment or period of time.  The universe is infinite and I’m just one speck. I recently stared through a telescope on Oahu and it made me feel small and insignificant in the best way.  Nothing mattered, in a good way, and these stars burned light years away.  As much as I’d like to go back and redo something, the fact is that it doesn’t matter that much as life goes on.  New stars form, and we continue to spin madly on in the vastness and wonder that is existence.

This may seem a bit existential, but I’m only writing this to convince myself to abide by this mindset. I can keep trying, I can change my trajectory, and so can you if you want.

Top 10 Things I learned about Texas

If you haven’t heard, I’m leaving Texas. I’ve been here since March 31, 2011 so I’ve learned a few things in ten years. Here’s a list in a David Letterman style from 10 to one. Don’t come at me, this is just fo fun and in good spirits. Texas was (is) good to me. I met some nice people, had many great times, and rediscovered my need to be outdoors. DFW is a great hub for travel, Austin has great food, and the numerous small towns are quaint at to look at as you pass through. Enjoy!

10. There are no REAL seasons. It can be hot any day of the year and the the weather changes faster than in Michigan.

9. Whataburger is delicious, but even better when drunk, hungover, and/or it’s VERY late.

8. Texas beer is good… but doesn’t compare to Michigan or Minnesota.

7. Driving more than a few hours to get somewhere is normal life and you either adapt or don’t go anywhere.

6. When it rains, ices, or snows you better just stay home.

5. East Texas has some of the only trees in the state and they’re worth the drive.

4. Big Bend and Guadalupe Mountains are some of the best areas of the state. Fight me.

3. Many of the state parks are exactly the same and it is boring. They’re fine, and I’m grateful for them, but I am good.

2. Oklahoma isn’t as bad as Ohio.

1. You have to drive like an asshole to survive here because the people are either too slow or completely psychotic; there’s no in between.